Eulogy for Jennifer

Below is the eulogy for Jennifer given at her service on Saturday, June 25, 2011 at Garber United Methodist Church in New Bern, NC.

My goal is to keep this fairly light, so I decided to invoke David Letterman and his Top Ten List. Here goes…….

The top ten things we’ll remember most about Jennifer………………

#10 Her many friends—Jennifer was a friend magnet. People were just drawn to her. She has more friends than anyone else I know, and I’m not talking about acquaintances, I mean the real kind—those who stick around not just in good times but in bad as well. Her friends were so important to her that we wanted to be able to include them in the service. So, this top ten list was complied with the help of a few of her friends—thanks Dana, Lorrie, Michele, Susan, Linda, Sarah, and John.

# 9 We’ll remember Jen by the things she loved to do—Jennifer loved to go to the beach, she loved sailing, and anything to do with water (I wonder where she got that from); she liked to travel; she liked to read—she always had a book or magazine to share. She liked to go to movies and concerts (especially Kid Rock). She enjoyed following the Dallas Cowboys and Wake Forest, and she loved going out with her friends for cocktails and dinner and just hanging out with her friends and her family.

# 8 We’ll remember Jen for her style—personal and home décor. She definitely had a flare for style but in the most unpretentious way. Her two favorite places to shop were Target and TJ Maxx—but you’d never know—except that she constantly told you about it. She always looked put together and beautiful. I always looked forward to the hand-me downs. And whenever I needed a nice dress for an event, she was my personal shopping assistant. I will be lost without her. Anyone who has visited her home in Raleigh could appreciate her sense of taste, and she was always doing something new and would frequently show off her latest and greatest and would boast that her Dad or her brother Mark had painted this or installed that.

# 7 Jen will be remembered for her organizational skills—every time you visited her house, you left feeling like you needed to go home and clean out your closets. She had a basket for everything, and everything was in its place (I wish her brother shared that trait). She also was quite the planner (Doug, I wonder who she got that from)—whenever she and her friends would go on a trip, even if it was just to Carolina Beach, she’d have it all planned out, and I mean with a syllabus of things they would do.

# 6 Her “curiosity”—and I’m being a bit euphemistic here—she loved to know what people were up to, whether it was a celebrity, a friend, a neighbor, or even a stranger. She just really enjoyed having the scoop on folks; but not in a spiteful way—it was always light and fun. She’d call you up just to tell you some thing that so and so was doing, and you’d hang up the phone, shake your head, and laugh. That was one of her gifts—Jennifer made us laugh!

# 5 Sassy and witty and vibrant and random—how many times did those of us who knew her, just shake our heads and laugh at the things that would come out of her mouth. I absolutely LOVED this about her. She made us all laugh! While I never saw her wallow in self pity, she would pull out the “cancer card” if she wanted something—even if it was to have someone bring her a drink (beer) in the pool. The “cancer card,” as she called it, was often, but not always, reserved for fun.

# 4 Jennifer was brave and strong and determined—with regard to brave and strong, I don’t mean this is the traditional sense because bravery and strength come in different flavors; hers was of the inner strength variety. When she was first diagnosed with breast cancer, she was always upbeat and positive through all her surgeries and treatments. When she was diagnosed the second time, which was a huge blow—and a day we will never forget—she was understandably very upset but she rallied quickly, got herself together, put on a strong face, and continued to look for the positive (a wonderful characteristic she definitely gets from Peggy). Jennifer was an example of grace under pressure. With regard to determination (or maybe stubbornness)—when Jennifer set her mind to something, she didn’t waiver. Whether it was getting into shape, planning a trip, or even with her cancer treatments, she forged ahead, full speed with admirable positive determination. If you know Peggy and Doug, you know she came by this trait honestly.

# 3 Jennifer was selfless—even though Jennifer was suffering from a horrible disease, she put others first, whether it was fellow cancer survivors or her friends and family. Terry, her counselor at Rex--who Jennifer adored--told us that even when Jennifer felt bad, she would still come to the cancer support group and was inspiring to and supportive of all her new friends. Terry said that the staff and patients at Rex fell in love with Jennifer, and, you know what—Jennifer loved them right back. Dr. Crane and Cindy, and all the nurses were so wonderful to Jennifer. Our family will never be able to thank them enough for the care, kindness, love, and support they provided over the years! Terry also told us that even though Jennifer was worried about the pain and suffering she would endure, she was even more worried about her family and friends seeing her suffer and the pain it would cause us. Jennifer really tried to put the rest of us at ease, and it usually took someone else’s prompting to get her to go to the hospital or agree to move back with her parents, or to call in hospice to help manage her pain. She did not want to be a burden or to give up. What’s funny is that when she really needed to play that “cancer card” the most, she just didn’t do it.

# 2 In addition to being one hell of a sister-in-law, Jennifer will be remembered for being a true friend, an “awesome” aunt, an irreplaceable sister, and a beloved and loving daughter.
· True friend—Jennifer was a wonderful and loyal friend, and I know you will never forget her. I suspect you all know this, but she LOVED you all very much—and you all meant so much to her.
· Jennifer was an “awesome aunt”—and she knew it too. Aunt Jen was so good to Chris and Kemper—spoiled them rotten! And they loved her unconditionally. On Monday, Doug suggested that I take the kids home because he thought it was too much for them to see Jennifer suffering. And you know what, my two teenage boys, who normally would be hanging out with friends and having fun on their summer break at home, wouldn’t budge—they absolutely refused to leave their Aunt Jen.
· Irreplaceable sister—Mark and Jen were very close. They talked just about every day, sometimes multiple times a day. They did lots of things together like watching movies, the Dallas Cowboys, Wake Forest. They were inseparable.
· Beloved and loving daughter—Doug and Peggy, I have known you over 20 years, and I know how much you loved Jennifer and how much she loved you back. It is notable that to Jennifer, her family always came first, and it was you who instilled that value in her. You done good! Real Good!

And the # 1 thing we’ll remember most about Jennifer are the things she taught us:
· About courage
· About dignity
· About grace
· About perspective
· About having a positive outlook and not taking life too seriously
· About what’s important and what isn’t…

Jennifer, while cancer ravaged your body and took you from us prematurely, it couldn’t touch your spirit, which is still with us and always will be.

As Kemper (her 13 year old nephew) wrote in his post on Jennifer’s Facebook page on Tuesday:

“Cancer is a bitch, and everyone is sad to see you go, especially your close friends and family. We will never, ever forget you……May you rest in peace.”

From Jennifer's father

Subject: A note to Jennifer's friends

This is Jennifer's father. We are very sad to report that Jennifer passed away last night peacefully in her sleep. I know we all are heartbroken but know she was a true inspiration for so many.

The service will be held at Garber United Methodist Church in Trent Woods, 4201 Country Club Road,NC at 11:00 a.m. this Saturday June 25th. Burial will follow in a private family service. The family will receive friends before the service between 9:30am and 11:00 am. An announcement will appear in the newspaper.

This email is coming from a temporarily address, not her usual email address which will not be monitored.

Doug Phelps

The reception at 9:30 will be in the church fellowship hall.

Hanging in There

For those who not know, I justed wanted to let you in on whats going on. Unfortunately, my latest chemo, Spongebob, has ceased working on my cancer. My recent hospital stay and all the treatments I have had have really hurt my liver. I can not do any more harsh chemos. I just started one last Thursday to hopefully keep the liver tumor stable. The last couple of months have really been hard to be my independent self in Raleigh. So my family and my doctor all decided last week that I need to be in New Bern to get some help. Dr. Crane also wants me to transfer to a New Bern oncologist so I will have local care and not have to go back and forth weekly for chemo. We are in the process of doing that now. I am just moving items that will make me feel like I am at home. I hope to one day get back to living in the town I have called home for 20 years.

No one knows what tomorrow or the future holds. So we are just taking it day by day. Just like we have done since my first diagnosis in 2006. I think living in New Bern will help me learn how to rest. Sailing, the river, and the beach can't hurt either. Its been a really hard month but with the help of my family, friends, and doctors, I am feeling a little better.

Please continue with the emails, texts, and calls. If I don't respond right away, I will try and get back to you as soon as I can. Also, please remember to donate or buy any item with a pink ribbon on it. Hopefully one day they will find a cure for breast cancer.

Thank you for all your prayers. Please keep them coming!

Love, Jennier

Home, Finally

Hey there. Most of you know but to those that don't, I have been at Rex since last Monday, May 2nd, due to slight traces of pneumonia and an unidenfied infection that knocked me to my core. I started feel really bad last weekend. Had chemo the Wednesday before. I haven't been able to have chemo for two weeks but my counts were able to do it this time and I wanted to get on with the treatment. Big Mistake. Woke up with blood coming out of nose and mouth. Mom and I went straight to the back emergency office of Dr Crane at Rex and was immediately admitted. All my blood platelets and counts were low. I actually do not remember much of that week until Friday. Had countless blood tests and scans. They could not find the cause of my infection. But I did have traces of pneumonia. So the think it started with that and moved on to a more servere infection. Was starting to also think it came from my dog who was sick awhile back. They said that 90% of the time when a patient gets sick like this from chemo, its just an infection. I finally came back to the land of the living Saturday and got home last night around 5:15. Feeling better except for wheezing from my lungs from the pnuemonia, and my stomach looking like I am pregnant from all the antibiotics they gave me. My mom has been by my side since I have been admitted so she will stay with me a couple of days to help get me my nutrition straighten. I then will probably go to new bern or the beach. Its been a hard week. Did not think I would make it out of Rex alive this time. Thought this infection would take me instead of the cancer.

I am sorry for those who have wanted to come by and see me, those who have text, and those who have sent email. I have been so out of it that I could not even do these functions.

I also do not know where we stand on the cancer fight. I have to wait a bit for my body to heal before we start again. I think we will be doing a CT scan of my liver in the next week, then take a week off. Dr. Crane is suggesting that we stay on this chemo but at a lesser dosage. It has been working on my liver tumors so I am all for it. But I think I will be a little more nervous this time than the past year of chemo treatments. Its hard to be strong, a warrior as they say in the breast cancer commercials, all the time. Sometimes, you have to rest and take in the world around you.

I love you all and look forward to seeing you soon. I am just going to have to take each day as it comes instead of my famous plans of getting togethers and trips. Hope things will turn around soon. I am home in Raleigh with Mom so just swing by in the next week or so. If I am asleep, you can talk to her or my dog Harvey :-).

Love, Jennifer

Better!

Sorry I did not get back with you regarding my recent scans. We just met with Doctor Crane today to discuss the recent tests. I went last week to have chemo and meet with them but my blood counts were too low for chemo. Chemotherapy kills our white blood count. They have to be in a certain range. I was low at 1.3. Had to be at 1.5. Thank goodness we did not go through with last week's treatment. I went again today for chemo and my white count was even lower! So we could not do treatment again today. I will go back next Wednesday to see if they have increased. This is why I have been so sleepy lately. Not fatigue from the chemo. But just wanting to sleep all the time. Feel like I am 16 years old again sleeping till 11!

Anyway, my liver scans are better. We did not get details on size of tumors but everyone feels that Spongebob is working. You either want things to look better or stay the same. So I am happy with the recent results. We will continue on this treatment. If my white blood counts continues to stay low, we might change chemo to every other week. I do not like to get off my chemo schedule. I want Spongebob to get in there and kill the cancer. Not just hang out with it.

I am still having bone pain in my lower back. We know there is cancer there. Just not sure what is going on. Some days you have pain and then you wake up one day pain free. Cancer is like that. I have been so fortunate to not have had much pain this past year. The bone scans we did at Duke are not that good at detecting exactly what is going on inside the bone. There is a new PET scan that is coming out in May to help with the bones. I am fortunate enough, once again, to be able to have this new test. But until that is available, we did the old standby - Xray - today of my back. Hopefully this will tell us something. I have not had to get involved with a "Pain Management Program" yet so this is something we might have to address.

Its been a sad week. I have been feeling really good, almost normal, besides the tiredness and back pain. But one of my friends who has been battling breast cancer for about 6 years just got moved to Rex Hospice center. She is only in her late 30s with two small kids. She has shown us all so much strength during her fight with cancer. But she is tired and has been in pain for so long. Once again, cancer sucks.

Things are good over here. Trying to plan new trips to visit friends for the summer. Its hard to plan much in advance but I do it anyway. You have to keep moving and enjoy life. No matter what it throws at you.

Please continue to pray for good results. And please say a special prayer for my friend.

Love, Jennifer

Back in Raleigh

Sorry it has been awhile since my last post. I went to the beach for the month of March and really didn't spend that much time on computers or phones. I needed a break from technology. We had a great time down at the coast. I love Raleigh but waking up everyday to the waves was heaven. But I am back in Raleigh and back to reality.

I continued to do chemotherapy with this new chemo, spongebob, during my beach vacation. All blood work have been coming back really good. Tumor markers and liver enzymes are continuing to drop. My doctors at Rex are very excited about this new drug and how my body is responding to it.

We finished up our consultation with Duke today. Based on their tests, they agree with Rex and are advising me to stay on this current treatment plan. If something changes down the road, I can transfer to Duke and get into a clinical trial. But for now, staying at Rex is the best option. I am very relieved that I can stay with my doctor and his staff that I have had for 5 years. I have had some bone tumor pain lately but hopefully that will subside. We are also waiting on results of some scans that I had done last week at Duke. My doctor at Rex will review those when I meet with him on Wednesday. Please say a little prayer that these scans will show good results too.

So life goes on.

New Hope

Just wanted to let you all know about our appointment at Duke with the Breast Cancer Specialist. It turned out to be one of our best appointments of the past year. Its all very complicated but she thinks we should go after my tumors with a different treatment approach. Her prognosis is also much more hopeful. I am currently going through blood tests, liver biopsy, genetic testing, etc. She wants to make sure her "instinct" is on before proceeding with a change in treatment. For now, I am staying at Rex and will do 4 more chemotherapy treatments. This one has cut out my pain so we want to stay on it for another 6 weeks. Then I will go to Duke to have complete scans. I will then meet with Dr. Blackwell to discuss the results of the tests, scans, and my future. But everything sounds so much more encouraging then two weeks ago at this time. Please continue to send us your prayers. The next couple of weeks are so important.

I have decided to stop work and be on long term disability 100% for now. I need to concentrate on my health and spending time doing the things I enjoy. I hope to be able to go back to my job and the people I love one day soon.

Also, since I can not really travel to the places I want to go to right now, my family and I have decided to rent a beach house down at Emerald Isle for the month of March. I have always wanted to live at the beach so here we go! I will come back for my chemo treatments on Thursdays but stay there the rest of the time. The ocean brings me peace more than anything else so I can not wait to be able to see it everyday.

Thank you for all your support! I never knew how much love I had in my life. I am such a lucky person.

Love, Jennifer